Ramblings of the Heart

Do you ever just wonder about some of the sayings we used to say when we were kids?

For instance:  First comes loves, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage!!  Well, that is pretty much true, but then what do you do if something happens to the “love” part?  Love isn’t so simple ~~ it is so very complex and if you don’t work at it each and every day, it can slowly unravel so that you don’t know who you are married to anymore and sometimes you even lose yourself.  You tell yourself that it will be okay, the feelings will come back, and you beg God to restore what you had in the beginning in the “love” stage.  But what do you do if he doesn’t answer your pleadings in the way that you are asking?  Does He love you any less?  Are you any lesser of a person?  

Well, sometimes we have to make choices in our life that are just about as painful as one can imagine.  You certainly don’t want to hurt anyone deliberately, and you know in your heart that your decision will cause a ripple effect that will certainly change life as you know it completely.  

When we are growing up, we see a version of what we want our lives to be.  Some want careers, some want the love, marriage and baby carriage.  I certainly wanted the latter.  However, some of us are on a journey that takes us places where we would have never thought we would ever have to go.  When I was 26 I never thought I would be divorced, and a single parent of a little boy.  Well I was and I was devastated.  Then you remarry and think that you will “get it right” this time.  But something happens over the years and you realize that while you have been blessed with two more absolutely wonderful children, there is something missing in your marriage.  Sometimes, as hard as you try, you are not able to recapture those first moments of your life together, the intense “falling in love” moments that you think will carry you through all the rough years and become that place of solace that a solid relationship should be.  But what do you do when you realize that no matter how much you beg God, those feelings are gone and you are facing the end of 28 years of marriage?   

These have been some of my struggles.  I felt trapped in a relationship that I had nothing left to give.  I lost myself and could feel myself pulling away from friends and family.  And then the unexpected happens, timing maybe is not the best, and a relationship that has been lost for over 30 years comes back into your life.  You feel love again and new hope, like you have finally come “home”.  That person offers you all the things that you were lacking ~~ love, acceptance, freedom to be who you are.  He is a man who will guard your heart, be your protector, best friend and all that you have been missing.  

So unless you have walked the walk of another person, you cannot honestly judge them and their decisions, no matter how painful those decisions are.  I know that I cannot tell a person who has terminal cancer that I “understand” what they are feeling.  No way!  I have not had that experience and I am sure that I have no idea of the depth of their pain, being scared, anger at the cancer, etc. etc.  But what I can do is love them and tell them that I will be there for them ~~ whatever they need.  I will listen when needed, talk when needed and just be there for them.  Just because they have cancer and now they are “different” than me, doesn’t mean that I can no longer love them in the same way.   Actually it probably means that I would love them even more ~~ this is when they will need that extra-special dose of unconditional love.

Another old saying that has been going through my mind is:  “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  Okay friends, that is simply not true.  This has been one of the most painful years of my life and I would much rather have someone hit me repeatedly with a stick or throw stones at me than say some of the cruel and hurtful things that have been said.  Physical wounds heal and while you may have some scars left, they fade away and eventually you pretty much forget they are there.  They end up being just soft reminders of an old wound.  However, words are different.  No matter how hard you try, those words reverberate into your very being and when you least expect it, they replay over and over and over in your mind and heart.  You don’t want to believe what has been said to you, but when they are cruel, heartless and just plain painful, they tear you apart.  You just want to say something equally cruel back, but you quickly remember how you felt when you were hurt by their words, and you simply can’t spit out the words and intentionally hurt that person.  Why?  Because you love them unconditionally, no matter your relationship.  I am so glad that God loves me unconditionally, and no matter what mistakes that I have made in this life, he has covered me with His love, grace and mercy.  My sins were all taken care of on the cross and no hurtful or cruel words from anyone can take that away from me.  I have that promise from Him and I can revel in His love and stand on his Word.

So to whoever may just “happen” to read this post, just know that we can start out the New Year with a fresh slate.   We can put the hurt and anger behind us.   Remember that life is too short to harbor anger and bitterness.  We don’t know what is just around the corner for any of us.  Each and every day we can make the decision to love the unlovable, help the unlikeable and do just what Jesus would have done during His short time here on earth.  He is the reason for the season.  He is the reason that we have eternal life through him.  He is just plain the reason and the answer to all our questions, hurts, pain and anger.

Wishing you a New Year, free from past hurts and bitterness and the opportunity to tell someone that you love them and that everything will be okay.